Finding clarity in the clutter of love, Part 2

Hey, welcome back! If you caught part one of my shit show, you’ll know that everything went sideways when my partner blindsided me with a request that I move out so he could support a troubled family member. I stumbled through the aftermath, reflecting on the familiar chaos of family drama that had etched itself into my life again. I was swallowed by asense of loss that felt almost tangible.

Humiliated. Broken. Pissed. That about sums it up. WTF now?

The End of One Verse (there are more verses)

In the aftermath, I felt like a ghost in my own life, moving between family members’ homes and couch surfing at friends’places like a ping-pong ball. I am grateful for those who supported me at this time. I may not have survived without them. Each week, I switched lodgings, trying my hardest not to overstay my welcome while battling the nagging feeling that I was becoming a burden. My instinct was to run from the pain, just run away. Any distraction helped. Music helped. I played Lenny Kravitz’s song Fly Away to the point where I couldn’t get the song out of my head.

I wish that I could fly Into the sky

So very high

Just like a dragonfly I’d fly above the trees

Over the seas in all degrees To anywhere I please, oh

I want to get away I want to fly away Yeah, yeah, yeah

That is not to say that Lenny Kravitz doesn’t often cross my mind. I mean, it’s Lenny Kravitz. C’mon.

For years, I’ve walked briskly through life, always giving my say to others, always running away. It wasn’t until thisparticular Tuesday, sitting on a wonky chair in a noisy cafe, drowning my self- pity in coffee, that it hit me like a punch in the gut. I was drowning out my own voice with the clamour of others. I was simply a role in someone else’s play. I’d been meandering down the wrong path for too long. The exhaustion, the sleepless nights and the constant ache in my back? Just emotional baggage masquerading in the physical. So, I made a choice to listen to the whispers of my intuition, to tune into my own wants. The moment I started listening to the real me, things began to shift. I finally turned up the volume on my own life.

The Path of ‘Not Here’

Oh, and I connected the dots from my crow encounter in part one. In various cultures, these birds are harbingers of change, transformation and a new phase in life. They were not just chaotic beauties. They were sending a message. “Hey, time to snap out of it. Life is short.” The universe was pushing me, reminding me to get my ass in gear and take control ofmy path forward. A new path. The path of ‘not here.’

I took a deep breath, feeling fear and hope and moved away from the familiar. I had this whole plan for life after 50. A lifewith my partner. Now it feels like I’m living in a reality series that got cancelled without warning. And yet, the notion of that plan was feeling increasingly suffocating. It attached me to a version of myself that no longer belonged to me. I’m in a period of change, and change is a formidable force. Isn’t it absurd that I am more comfortable with a steady stream of negativity when a gentle push toward self-nurturing could offer me much more comfort?

A Real Brain-Changer

Neuroplasticity, have you heard of it? It is a fancy term for how our brains learn and adapt. The word feels intimidatingyet comforting. However, it’s not an easy process. Have you ever tried to brush your teeth with your non-dominant hand?It’s weird and annoying, but with practice, it gets easier. It’s like that. “The beauty of neuroplasticity is that when you make changes to what you remember and how you remember it, what you do and how you do it, your brain overrides the old neural networks with new ones.”― Jennifer Fraser, The Bullied Brain: Heal Your Scars and Restore Your Health

Still, stress has a way of coming in and changing the way I look at things. Powerlessness, I recognize, is a trap. A deep well that pulls me into fear, leading me to anger. I acknowledge my flair for the worst-case scenario mentality. It’s one of my superpowers. My thoughts are like a circus in my head: wild, moody, and at times laughably melodramatic. However,I’m shifting my focus away from negativity. I am learning to retrain my brain and set higher expectations for my life, seeking love, happiness, success, and fulfillment. I’m not tolerating anything less or putting up with a lower vibration life. I deserve a 10, not a four, especially after fifty. On my journey of change, I am trying to hold onto moments of joy whenever they appear—those brief instances during a lazy walk with the dog or while losing myself in a piece of art.

That’s So High Vibration

Choosing a different path felt daunting, yet necessary. I began understanding that my agency isn’t just about picking between pizza and sushi. It’s about making choices that feel like the real me.

This newfound approach felt good. The more I embraced a sense of playful exploration, the more tangible the shift became. Seriously, it doesn’t matter how old you are. If I can do this, you can too.

Let’s ditch the ache and heaviness and embrace the richness of being ourselves.

The saga continues

Stay with me here and watch for part three, the finale of my story, on restlessurban.com.

I feel like sharing.

Find out what happens next with my partner and me.

I’m curious what you think about the science of it all!

Video: who is to blame?

I have learned to take stock of the moment and look in the mirror as part of finding the answers and to heal.

To be continued …