My wife’s eyes lit up.

She had laughed (and not in a Joyful way) when I told her I’d be writing about Reclaiming Joy for a new media platform seeking to celebrate the pursuit of well-being in middle age (particularly to an urban audience).

But telling her about Missy Voronyak of Minneapolis, whose “intention-setting retreat” resulted in launching Sunday Family Dinner and Game Night, skepticism turned to Joy because she, more than anyone in our home, loves games like Yahtzee.

My name is Peter, I’m 64 years old, and I’ve lost my Joy (I’m thinking about starting a Joyless Anonymous group).

I lost some of my Joy in 2003 when I got a call that my dad had just died as he got ready for bed. We talked incessantly about Buffalo Bills football and Syracuse sports, and I hate to this day what happened two hours earlier as we talked about a basketball win over Georgetown.

I cut the call short to go back to something unimportant because, well…you know. My enduring memories remain the calls where I had to convince him the Bills or Orange wouldn’t fritter away a lead and I remember the 3 a.m. calls from Niagara Mohawk’s “Trouble Office” in advance of getting media calls about power outages.

A retired public relations director and freelance writer, he was the one who told me to focus on writing because “you’ll always have a job.”

We talked during and after every game. You may have had (or still do) a designated time to talk each week. And I have to admit now – 21 years later – I often reach for the phone during a game to call him. Then, I call Son No. 3, which makes me happy because it’s a Circle of Life thing.

The loss of a parent is something many of us share so I’d be interested to learn how you follow the words of Dr. Seuss: “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”  What can I do besides having a photo next to my desk that I look at 3-5 times a day and smile?

To be fair, sometimes that whole “don’t cry because it’s over” stuff doesn’t work for your career path.

Layoffs can chip away your Joy, as can frustrating job searches. The pandemic cost me an editor job I loved and was great at, and a merger cost me (and hundreds, if not thousands of others) a banking job where I helped 250 account executives and salespeople talk to customers with a unified voice.

Think of me as a Curious Explorer. I’ll be steering clear of being judgmental and discussing politics, even though we are seeing the Joy word pop up more and more on the campaign trail. My North Star will be getting healthier, living longer than others might expect of an overweight diabetic, and enjoying new experiences.

As a former journalist, it’s my nature to ask questions.[PO1]

I started with Tom Morris, a terrific speaker and friend who’s written 30+ books reflecting on philosophy, leadership, and personal growth. He answered thoughtfully this question: How did your definition of “Joy” evolve as you entered middle age?

“I’ve learned Joy does not come from mere possessions, however rare or beautiful, or even from the aesthetic experiences that can be provided by exotic locations, but from a basic wonder, awe, and deep appreciation of life in all its manifest gifts. Joy can be evoked by simple gratitude in its profoundest forms,” he told me.

Mic drop.

Let’s face it. For many of us, life has become a grind.

Food costs. Gas costs. Campus protests. School shootings. Arguments about Israel and Gaza. Fear of layoffs. Renewed fears of COVID.

As kids, we knew nothing about ADHD, anxiety, depression, therapy for kids, or panic attacks. Our parents told us to suck it up and go play outside.

I used to leap out of bed, ready to take on the day. Now I lay there for a few minutes, battling a sense of anxiety.

After 34 years of raising four kids, my wife supplements our income creating wedding cakes and pastries in a commercial bakery at 5 a.m. I feel guilty because I’m failing to provide in the way I always have and she’s exhausted and fighting through a bad back. This frankly is an unwelcome lifestyle change for her. Yet another chipping away at a collective sense of Family Joy.

Justin Welsh (aka The Diversified Solopreneur) observed 90% of TV commercials he watched one day were about “alcohol, fast food, pharmaceuticals, and gambling apps” (no relentless ugly political ads?).  “No wonder most people are unhappy,” he says.

Emiliana Simon-Thomas, science director of the Greater Good Science Center at Cal-Berkeley, told NPR, “Rather than thinking of Joy as something that happens to you, it may make sense to think of it as a skill that you can get better at through practice. If you want to stay physically fit, you have to keep exercising. And the same likely goes for well-being.”

I get Joy from unsolicited positive feedback on something I’ve written. It used to come from coaching youth soccer and basketball, weekend tournaments, and dance recitals. It was playing Yahtzee and having Son No. 3 get Five of a Kind and then running around the waving his arms and shouting “Yahtzee” in a weird voice.

I miss all that but want to avoid coming off whiny. Our kids are grown and living their own lives in four major cities. They aren’t bringing their energy into the house each day, week, or even month. And grandparenting, which would certainly provide Joy, is not currently on the Osborne Family Bingo card.

My good friend, Scott Wooters, puts all this in perspective: “For me, Joy transitioned from personal accomplishments to watching my kids succeed.”

He’s right. My daughter graduated from college in May. Her job search was rough until it wasn’t. On the Friday before Labor Day, her dream job called, and she started five days later. Her Joy and success brought us Joy and pride.

Atomic Habits Author James Clear suggests: “Reflect on what you have already tried; attempt something you have not tried; and read about what someone else has tried.” For me, that means:

·       Shared Experiences: I went to both nights of WrestleMania in Philly with Son No. 2 and his best friend. I’ve dusted off the PS4 and am preparing for the holidays by playing Call of Duty (Zombie Mode), Madden 24, and FIFA 23. My enjoyment of Wordle is better playing competitively with my Wrestlemania buddies.

·       Sports Fandom: Joy will certainly return when the Bills win the Super Bowl early next year, when Syracuse Football and Basketball return to relevance, and when the Sabres make the playoffs.

·       Evolving Career Paths: Vanderbilt University certified me in Prompt Engineering for Generative AI at age 64. In his 2013 book Ctrl Alt Delete, Mitch Joel devoted a chapter to having a “squiggly life” and recently posted a 5:14 video from music executive Rick Beato.  Mitch says, “Think you’re too old? Think everyone has already done it? Think it’s too late? You’re wrong. Dead wrong.”

·       Simple Pleasures: I find Joy from eating and have always loved eggs. But food allergies meant we could no longer have anything egg- or nut-related in the house (and WFH eliminated the ability to eat them in the office).  But I see Hellmann’s Plant-Based Mayo as a source of Joy because it tastes just as good as the real thing and is safe.

·       Reconnecting: MBNA America, the affinity card issuer Bank of America acquired nearly 20 years ago, still has an active MBNA Used 2 Be group on Facebook and we got 900+ responses from that group for a 20th Reunion for next year.

·       Nostalgia: This will include revisiting places or experiences associated with positive memories. It also includes binging old TV shows like The Sopranos, The West Wing, and others.

·       Simplification: I’m committed to Inbox Zero (more or less) but also getting serious about unsubscribing to newsletters I subscribed to 18 months ago but never open.

Sandy Taccone, CEO of Blue Blaze Associates (an LGBTQ+-owned agency in Delaware), has rediscovered a childhood love of music that got “sidelined as the focus on starting a career, friends and family, home ownership, building a business, and life in general became the priorities. Making music as a practice can be very meditative and relaxing—your brain and body are fully engaged. My piano is like an old friend, and my ukulele near my desk (a gift from my mother-in-law) makes me smile whenever I pick it up and plunk away. There’s no rush to win or conquer this new thing, just enjoy.”

Gregg Jaffe, a 47-year-old Chicago video creator, joined an adult hockey league that gets ice time at 11 p.m.: “It’s been one of the best parts of my regular life. I have a new group of friends. I get great exercise, and we just have tons of fun. It’s a great way to put all the real-world stuff to the side for a while.

I once religiously followed Mark Twain’s advice: “If it’s your job to eat a frog, it’s best to do it first thing in the morning. And if it’s your job to eat two frogs, eat the biggest one first.” I’ve decided to stop starting my day whacking away at a never-ending pile of doom scrolling and mundane stuff just to get some checks on my To-Do list and start eating a frog (probably with plant-based mayo).

ConvertKit Founder Nathan Barry deflated my Joy when he wrote, “Stress takes the Joy out of life, affects your relationships, your sleep, and your ability to focus…But chronic stress can lead to anxiety, depression, and pain. It’s also partially responsible for the development of heart disease and cancer.”

Thanks, Nathan.

So as long as Nathan has raised the issue of what stress does to you, let’s talk about intimacy. AARP recently published a survey they called Ageless Desire where only 46% were satisfied with their sex life. Additionally, 60% of the male respondents have at least occasional “performance” issues and the percentage is higher among those with health concerns like diabetes, stress, and high blood pressure. Something to look forward to.

As I wrote this, I got an email telling me a former co-worker everyone loved died. I think we all are seeing more and more obituaries for friends and former co-workers. We think to ourselves, “He was my age,” before we sigh and perhaps ask ourselves, How do I extend my legacy? Does my work still matter?

The Journey Ahead[PO2] Going forward, I’ll be interviewing interesting people like Delaware State University President Tony Allen[PO3]  on their own journeys. You can find a few self-reflective questions in the sidebar[PO4]  that might help you answer the question for yourself.

My wife and I will be exploring the big cities where our kids live. I’ll try to stop working seven days a week (but yes, I’m writing this on a Sunday morning before football).  And I’ll be abandoning Twitter as I did Facebook – since neither of them are generally friends of Joy.

I hope you’ll join me on this journey, and I welcome your thoughts. Now, excuse me while I grab the Yahtzee box and find my wife.