Middle age is a bitch. It brings about changes like perimenopause, “manopause” and menopause that impact both your quantity and quality of sleep and your sexual health. The eternal debate for many middle aged couples gradually turns to whether the priority should be sleep or intimacy.

The Evolution of Intimacy in Middle Age

As both men and women age, hormonal changes, including those from menopause and “manopause” (or andropause), can lead to shifts in libido and sexual desire. According to the North American Menopause Society (NAMS), while the frequency of sexual activity may decline, emotional intimacy often deepens with age. In addition, according to data from the National Social Life, Health, and Aging Project, around 50% of women and 30% of men report a decrease in sexual interest during middle age.

The Sleep Factor

Sleep becomes increasingly important as we age, impacting everything from cognitive function to overall health. According to the National Sleep Foundation, adults aged 50 and older require 7-8 hours of sleep for optimal health. Given the negatives that come with not sleeping or not sleeping well, prioritizing sleep can sometimes be more beneficial for health and relationship satisfaction in the long term. That said, research from the Journal of Sexual Medicine shows that a lack of sexual activity can actually contribute to stress, poor sleep, and even cardiovascular issues.

There’s no one-size-fits-all solution. Some nights you’ll want to romp around, and other nights some melatonin gummies, a night mask, and your pillow sound incredibly sexy. I think one of the most important parts of the equation is communication.

Sleep Vs. Sex

My preference for sleep has nothing to do with a lack of finding my husband sexually appealing. On the contrary, there are still those nights when the last thing I want to do is sleep and my libido is fired up. While not as voracious as my twenties, there’s still a spark there. (I’m middle aged, not dead.) Some studies and anecdotal evidence suggest that many women experience a resurgence or even an increase in sexual satisfaction, confidence, and desire during their 40s and 50s. A survey conducted by AARP found that women in their 50s and 60s reported higher levels of sexual satisfaction than they had earlier in life. This is often attributed to several factors, including increased confidence and self-acceptance. There’s also Empty Nest Syndrome whereby with the children grown and less responsibility at home, some women find they have more time and energy to focus on their relationships and sexual health.

Both sleep and sex are critical to maintaining health and relationship satisfaction in middle age.

Similar to work-life balance, can we have sex-sleep balance?